Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
