Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
