If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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