No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
