Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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