No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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