The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
