My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
