I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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