she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
