I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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