when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
