My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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