Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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