Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
