Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
