Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.