What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am