Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
bring money and cleavage
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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