Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
