I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
