You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
