She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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