Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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