the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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