Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
