Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
