I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
