one two three fourrrrnication!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
