She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
