Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
