I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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