Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
