You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My feet surprised me
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