R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
