You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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