just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
