dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
