The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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