dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
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This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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