peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
