mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He kissed a someone with a penis
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
