She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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