On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
worst night to have a conscience
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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