my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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