if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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