my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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