the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
