I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize