Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Green mimosas i think yes
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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