and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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