i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
