I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
