Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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