I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
