The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
