note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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